Daddy Issues

I've had a bad day. Well. bad isn't the right word. You know when a bunch of little annoying things happen and you just come home in a pissed off mood? Well that is how I feel. The number one reason I was pissed off is because my $150 boots finally started letting water in (I usually don't spend more than $50 on shoes) and I had walked around for 6 hours with soaking wet feet. This may not bother some people but I cannot stand it. I'm super sensitive when it comes to my feet; they can't be too hot, too cold, or in this case too wet. 

So I came home a little pissy. I think my father has some sixth sense when people are in a bad mood that he sucks that energy in and starts acting pissy himself. Everything was fine until I got out of the bathroom in my underwear and heard someone heading for the hall. Since it could have been anyone (My sister, her husband and her kids moved into our basement a couple months ago) I jolted for my room and accidently slammed the door in an effort to spare their eyes. Unluckily for me, it was my father and the thing he hates the most is doors being slammed. I'm not sure if it's because he has super sensitive hearing or he thinks that "his' house will fall apart if I slam hard enough. 

Then he started yelling at me through my closed door. I waited a few minutes thinking he would have cooled down and sprinted for the kitchen to get some food (I was starving.. You should never bring yourself to this level of hunger if you already have an eating problem) As I entered the living room he started yelling again and I just couldn't ignore him as I usually do considering how I was feeling at the moment. I fought back. This caused him to yell even louder, which caused me to scream, and then he started throwing things. After the little screaming-fest he continued saying things like "Devil child, i knew the moment you were born that you were a mistake, I wish I never had children, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH".

Meanwhile, I'm scoping out the fridge for food and I grabbed as many high-fat, bad-carb things I could find and threw them onto a huge bowl. I didn't even bother microwaving, I just took the bowl to my room and started sobbing like a mourning widow over my pasta. I'm not sure what kind of hormone causes me to get this emotional when I fight with my father but it always happens. I also think that part of my unhappiness is due to the fact that not a single fight with my mother or father has ever been resolved. I've attempted to resolve disagreements with my mother after we both had a chance to cool down, and although she is the reasonable one out of the two, I have never succeeded. We're just not on the same wavelength. 

The point of this story, other than it's therapeutic value, I tend to overeat in these situations. And it's not just immediately after. These thoughts stew in my head for days, sometimes weeks, at which point I indulge in anything and everything remotely edible. This is how all of my diets failed. I enter this binge eating cycle due to some stressor (mainly my parents) and then think "it's too late to turn back, I can never be skinny". 

The easy way out would be to move out on my own but that is not possible. I barely get by with tuition payments alone. I would have to do sexual favours to get an apartment on my own. My parents financial situation is not any better. We live month to month hoping that the next will be better. I wish we could just win the lottery. Then we wouldn't have to live with each other.

On a horrible side note; whenever I get into a fight with my father I start wishing that my parents would get a divorce so that we could live separately . I know how terrible that sounds, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets horrible thoughts from time to time. 

That's it for now, I'm going to go open the new gadgets I bough myself today.