Update

So I did not lose 17 lbs in 2 days. Surprise, surprise. I realized the day after that my scale was a bit off. Probably from all of the times I have tripped over it. I think it's back in action now. 

Current Weight: 257.2 lbs

Lost to date: 7.2 lbs

Imagine how much I could have lost in the past few weeks if I had actually tried harder. I've been slacking off with this lifestyle change. Keep saying to myself "this is the last day of bad foods. Tomorrow I re-invent myself." I never learn. I should know from my 22 years on this earth that I will continue saying "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow" until the cows come home. I need to start saying "RIGHT NOW". And that is what I am saying right now. 

My plan is to stay away from those foods that make me binge and overeat for at least a couple of weeks. Maybe that will stop my addiction to them. That list is too long to write out, but it looks like I will be eating tuna straight out for the can for the next little while, lol. As unhealthy as it may be, tuna is the only thing I cannot binge on. I will, of course, add some veggies in the mix. I will use that time to read the South Beach Diet book my parents picked up at a garage sale last summer. Maybe the book will inspire me. 

I hate chocolate, I hate chocolate, I hate chocolate, I hate chocolate. Maybe if I keep saying this to myself I will really hate chocolate. I think that is how I gave up Coke 5 years ago.

Weigh in

There have been bad days and good days since my last post. Mostly bad. Actually I can only recall yesterday being a good day. I don't remember any more. I don't know if I have mentioned this but I had decided to weigh myself everyday for a few reasons. The most important reason is that if I do not do something everyday I am much more likely to forget to do it. So I printed out a chart starting from January 7th all the way to February 6th which I fill out every morning with the numbers my fancy scale shows me. I have only missed one day; yesterday, and only because the morning started a little differently than it usually does. My six-year-old niece got into my bed to wake me up and then cuddled and played I Spy with me for a while. 

As a background story, my sister moved in with me and my parents in November. She is married with two kids so that means 4 extra heads under this not-so-big roof. It was interesting for the first minute since I hadn't lived with her for 12 years, but I quickly got annoyed with the perks of having to share bathroom time with everyone. Not to mention all the other lovely benefits. 

Back to the point of this post. Yesterday was a good day only because I didn't overeat as much as I have been the last few weeks. Oh, and I just came back from working overnight with my parents (I helped them clean a grocery store they usually clean every morning but they needed to wax the floors etc tonight). So I have gotten quite a lot of exercise tonight, YAY ME!

So here are the stats:

Weight: 245.6 pounds

Body fat: 42.6%

Body water: 41.8%

Muscle mass: 65.6 pounds

Bone mass: 8.1 pounds

WOW! 

Change since January 8th morning weigh in:

Weight: -16.8 lb

Body fat: -2.4%

Change since January 17th:

Weight: -15.8 lb

Body fat: -2.6%

Is that even possible?? 

I had to re-weigh myself so many times. I could not believe my eyes!!

Maybe I should clean grocery stores every night. I would reach my goal by next week! LOL

I wish!!

One thing about this morning that confused me was that the scale read two different (yet consistent in each trial) numbers depending on whether it was set to read my body fat or not. It was a difference of almost 3 pounds!! It never does that. I always weigh myself conventionally  first to give myself a chance to write that down, then I step off and set my memorized stats so that it can read all that other stuff. I have never noticed a discrepancy between the two weights until now. I wonder why that is. 

Random fact: my clothes weigh 9 pounds. 

PS. I apologize if I am not making sense. I have been awake for a ridiculously long time. 

Shame on me

I binged again. Ate way too much sugar. Now I have a horrible headache and I won't be able to fall asleep for a few hours. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I allow myself to suffer for years for just a few moments of satisfaction? 

Will I ever be able to answer any of these questions?

I'm caught in a vicious circle. I'm eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I'm fat. I'm fat because I eat. I have to find the nearest exit out of this never ending highway.

Goal Weight

I have decided to change my initial goal weight. Mostly because I cannot remember a time that I weighed 150 pounds. I do recall when my scale tipped at 170, and although I was chubby I still looked good. So, the number I have decided is.... drum roll please..

165 pounds

As I get close to 200 pounds I will re-asses this goal. 

So, as of last night I have 100 pounds to lose. At an average of 2lb/week I am looking at about a year if all goes well. That doesn't seem too scary. Next year at this time I can be a skinnier, healthier version of myself. I wonder what I'd be like... 

(A note to all of my imaginary readers: I say 'so' a lot if you haven't noticed. I'm not sure why, but laziness could be one reason. )

Weigh-in

I got a new fancy digital scale today. It measures body fat, body water, muscle mass, and bone mineral mass. I don't think I need all these fancy measurements but I can't help myself! Whenever I am faced with a decision to buy one of x products I apply a complicated mathematical formula that involves integrating a function of x from 0 to infinity. The typical result of this calculation is the product of highest price. It's just how my brain works ('If it's expensive it's got to be good').

So I weighed myself and to my shock I have gained weight. It's not that I have been following a strict diet (I haven't figured out a plan yet,) but I have been monitoring my portions and making some wiser choices (with the exception of my emotional breakdown today).

My only theory is that my previous scale was way off (I can't locate it in the household to make a determination.)

So with the arrival of a brand new scale I think it's only fair to call this day Zero and disregard my 7 pound gain.

Here are the stats:

Weight: 265.0 lb

Body fat: 44.8%

Body water: 39.4%  (According to the user's manual I am not dehydrated, Yay!)

Muscle mass: 64.5 lb 

Bone mass: 9.0 lb  (I am still not positive what this is exactly)

Thats it! Thanks for reading my imaginary followers :)

I am completely okay with being the only person who ever reads these posts.

Daddy Issues

I've had a bad day. Well. bad isn't the right word. You know when a bunch of little annoying things happen and you just come home in a pissed off mood? Well that is how I feel. The number one reason I was pissed off is because my $150 boots finally started letting water in (I usually don't spend more than $50 on shoes) and I had walked around for 6 hours with soaking wet feet. This may not bother some people but I cannot stand it. I'm super sensitive when it comes to my feet; they can't be too hot, too cold, or in this case too wet. 

So I came home a little pissy. I think my father has some sixth sense when people are in a bad mood that he sucks that energy in and starts acting pissy himself. Everything was fine until I got out of the bathroom in my underwear and heard someone heading for the hall. Since it could have been anyone (My sister, her husband and her kids moved into our basement a couple months ago) I jolted for my room and accidently slammed the door in an effort to spare their eyes. Unluckily for me, it was my father and the thing he hates the most is doors being slammed. I'm not sure if it's because he has super sensitive hearing or he thinks that "his' house will fall apart if I slam hard enough. 

Then he started yelling at me through my closed door. I waited a few minutes thinking he would have cooled down and sprinted for the kitchen to get some food (I was starving.. You should never bring yourself to this level of hunger if you already have an eating problem) As I entered the living room he started yelling again and I just couldn't ignore him as I usually do considering how I was feeling at the moment. I fought back. This caused him to yell even louder, which caused me to scream, and then he started throwing things. After the little screaming-fest he continued saying things like "Devil child, i knew the moment you were born that you were a mistake, I wish I never had children, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH".

Meanwhile, I'm scoping out the fridge for food and I grabbed as many high-fat, bad-carb things I could find and threw them onto a huge bowl. I didn't even bother microwaving, I just took the bowl to my room and started sobbing like a mourning widow over my pasta. I'm not sure what kind of hormone causes me to get this emotional when I fight with my father but it always happens. I also think that part of my unhappiness is due to the fact that not a single fight with my mother or father has ever been resolved. I've attempted to resolve disagreements with my mother after we both had a chance to cool down, and although she is the reasonable one out of the two, I have never succeeded. We're just not on the same wavelength. 

The point of this story, other than it's therapeutic value, I tend to overeat in these situations. And it's not just immediately after. These thoughts stew in my head for days, sometimes weeks, at which point I indulge in anything and everything remotely edible. This is how all of my diets failed. I enter this binge eating cycle due to some stressor (mainly my parents) and then think "it's too late to turn back, I can never be skinny". 

The easy way out would be to move out on my own but that is not possible. I barely get by with tuition payments alone. I would have to do sexual favours to get an apartment on my own. My parents financial situation is not any better. We live month to month hoping that the next will be better. I wish we could just win the lottery. Then we wouldn't have to live with each other.

On a horrible side note; whenever I get into a fight with my father I start wishing that my parents would get a divorce so that we could live separately . I know how terrible that sounds, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets horrible thoughts from time to time. 

That's it for now, I'm going to go open the new gadgets I bough myself today.

The beginning of the end

So here I am again. Planning another diet, another lifestyle change. If I had kept track all of these years I suspect this would be attempt #2639. Whatever attempt it is I hope it's the last one.

I've had a very passionate affair with food all of my life. It's quite reminiscent of my high school relationships. I knew the guy is no good for me but I couldn't help being absolutely crazy about him. My food addiction began the day I was born. At first the doctor's were concerned for my health since I was slightly premature, but those worries quickly withered when I would not detach from my mother's breast. At least that is what my mother states. 

Okay, lets get to business. 

Current Weight: 257 lbs

Goal Weight: 150 lbs

Left to lose: 107 lbs

At a rate of about 10 lbs per month I could reach my goal in a year. But how am I going to do it?

I need to make some serious lifestyle changes. Eating healthy and exercising would be of highest importance. But there are quite a few personality traits I should work on to be able to achieve my goals. For one, my organizational skills sometimes resemble that of a farm animal. I have the capacity to be make detailed plans and organize myself, but laziness usually takes over being a more powerful trait of mine. I also need to work on a daily routine. Wake up and go to bed at the same time everyday, eat breakfast, lunch, dinner at acceptable times, and not at 3 a.m..

I also need to get over my hate of gyms. I absolutely despise going to the gym. It's a shame since my membership for the university gym is paid for in my tuition. Not only do I feel like all eyes are on the fatty struggling on the elliptical, but I think the entire concept is somewhat ridiculous. On weekends I'd have to spend 30 minutes preparing my self to go to the gym, 20 mins driving to the gym, 40 mins of walking in one spot, 20 mins showering and dressing, 10 mins blow-drying my hair, 20 mins driving back home. Thats 2 hours and 20 mins spent on 40 mins of exercising. On weekdays I have to be at school anyway so the time is cut to 1 hour and 40 mins. Being a student at a pretty intense university I feel that any free time I could get is precious. I feel that this time would be better spent studying or relaxing or watching TV or reading a good book. And Toronto weather does not permit outdoor activities for the greater part of the year so it's not like I would enjoy going for a walk or a jog. It's either too hot or too cold. My friends are saying that I am just making excuses, and maybe they are right. But it's truly difficult to start a habit of going to the gym when I despise doing it. I always feel awkward when I'm there. Especially if I see someone I have class with. (I tend to rant excessively about the gym topic)

I will come up with an action plan over the next few days and as soon as I do I will post it here. The plan is that I keep the blog as a progress journal and keep a food diary as well. This should help with the entire process.

Cheers